This book was given to me as a gift from the person I would consider my 'theological mentor'. There is no one that I know in real life with more wisdom than this gentleman so when he hands me something to read, I jump into it with both feet (and a study bible and commentary by my side). Of course, he did not steer me wrong. I would deem this very small book (92 pages) a perfect 'Parenting 101' for someone who is just entering the Christian parenting genre or a small group who is brave enough to tackle a parenting book as one of their studies.
They start off discussing the importance of God's rule in the home and how "when people in families live for themselves, the result is chaos, conflict and destruction" (p. 12). As I've read in other parenting books they stress that children should be disciplined for disobedience only - not for being a kid (i.e. spilling, dropping, loudness - as long as none of these things are blatant disobedience of course). I liked that right off the top they say "Not only does healthy parenting require a healthy marriage, it will also reinforce for your child that they're not the centre of the world, not even of your world!" (p. 13) How many of us have seen those children who are obviously the centre of their parents' universe beyond infancy (it's hard to avoid it during the first year) and control their household like a miniature dictator? And here's where the key to it all is revealed...."Your number one aim as a parent is to show how great it is to live under God's reign of love" (p. 14).
Before they delve into how to discipline our children, they want us to learn to discipline our own selfish hearts. "When my heart is undivided in its allegiance to God, I respond with calm and loving discipline. But if my selfish desires are ruling my heart, then I'll respond wrongly. My discipline gets distorted by my selfishness...If this selfish anger drives our discipline, the fruit will be bad" (p. 27). Ephesians 6:1 tells children to obey their parents and I see this as a warm up to submitting to the authority of God. I would venture to guess that where parents have failed to teach their children obedience toward their authority, those children have grown up to struggle in surrendering their lives completely to God. The authors then go on to discuss how grace must also play a huge role in the hearts of parents. "If we feel condemned, we won't communicate grace, making us feel still more condemned. If we want our families to be gospel-centred, then we must bring the gospel to bear on our own failures...We can't communicate grace to our children if we're not communicating it to our own hearts" (p. 33). This section gave me some peace of heart because I can be a worrier, even about 25 years from now. They say "One of the biggest areas of guilt (or fear) for Christian parents is when their children grow up not following Jesus. The first thing to say is that we're responsible to be good witnesses to our children; we're not responsible for their salvation...And we keep on praying for our children into adulthood, praying that they will discover for themselves the liberating grace of God" (p. 34-5). (Even as I was typing this I was struck with the arrogance of my own heart to think that I have any power for salvation for my children. Father, forgive me for the sense of "self" I have been carrying regarding my children's relationship with You. Help me to guide them toward you, not because that's where I want them to be but because that's where You want them to be!!)
As the book ventured into what we should actually be doing with our children, the guiding principle is "Addressing the heart matters more than controlling behaviour" (p. 37). Here's where we must face the fact that our 'little angels' are far from that, but are sinful beings, just like us. Our parenting goal is to move away from controlling their behaviour (through such things as manipulation, fear, bribery, inconsistency) to addressing their heart. This is not a concept that was new to me as I read it in this book and let me tell you that learning to look at a child's behaviour as an attitude of their heart rather than just why they are acting that particular way in that particular moment (i.e. finding an excuse for them) is extremely challenging. It takes way more time, way more brain power and way more emotional maturity to parent in this way and it is something that I consciously struggle to improve on every single day. "God's agenda is a child who delights to know and serve Him" (p. 39). In order to get there, our discipline must be calm, clear, consistent and concentrated on the heart (p. 40-1) and the authors lay out some great examples for each of these areas. "With younger children the aim of discipline is to teach them to submit to authority...As children grow older, however, you should move your child from discipline to self-discipline, ready for when they leave your authority" (p. 42).
I was impacted by the discussion of grace for our children and how it is the opposite of legalism. "If we're not careful, our discipline can reinforce this innate legalism. Our children learn that good behaviour earns acceptance while bad behaviour earns rejection...The reality is that we're always influencing our child's heart even when we're trying to control behaviour...How are are influencing their heart?" (p. 46). Grace, according to the authors, takes sin very seriously, more seriously than legalism, because Jesus demonstrated grace when he died for our sins. "Grace doesn't mean no discipline. Instead it changes the way we discipline. We combine discipline with love and acceptance. We discipline our children and point to the forgiveness won on the cross. We accept our children as they are, but with an agenda for change" (p. 47). When I read this, I totally agreed but thought that it was a statement that might upset some parents - to suggest that we need to change our children. Living in our culture where we are told 'I'm alright, you're alright, we're all alright' has trickled down into the parenting culture as well where so many people believe that we must let our children be exactly who they desire to be in every moment. We pass off bad behaviour as a 'stage' or 'lack of sleep' and effectively teach our children that they should have no accountability for their moment to moment actions. This is not a reality in the grown-up world. If we go around treating others badly because we are having a hormonal day or had insomnia the previous night there are consequences. We do our children a great disservice when we teach them to behave in this way. Sorry, that was a bit of a personal opinion. I'll try not to do that often. Anyway, then the book gives nine things to do in practice to communicate grace to your children during discipline. These are very valuable tips and I've read them over numerous times to try to ingrain them in my mind. Then there is a wonderful chapter on seeing our children as a gift and how we can show them that we enjoy them - from being available to them to creating memories together.
The section of the book about being a "Word-centred family" spoke to me in a very powerful way in terms of making sure that I teach my boys to "lay up these words of [God] in your heart and in your soul" (Deuteronomy 11:18). The authors remind us that our children are always watching us and learning from our actions. "Your everyday talk teaches them what you really care about. Your everyday talk teaches them how you love God" (p. 62). "We show our love for God's word by the way our whole family life happens...Children learn about the liberating lordship of Jesus when they see their mother putting her husband's will before her own. They learn how Christ loves the church when they see their father serving their mother after he's had a hard day at work" (p. 63). I was immediately struck by what an opportunity I have by saying absolutely nothing. I spend so much time in my day trying to teach my children by drowning them in my verboseness. Telling them what they should do and why they should do it. I am greatly convicted to move forward and let my actions with them and others do more 'talking' than my mouth. Besides, I think my voice is becoming a type of white noise to my 4-year old. "Don't underestimate the power of the word lived and the word loved" (p. 64). This is all followed by a great, little chapter on 'other voices' which guides us in shaping what and how our children make TV viewing choices. I appreciated that they didn't just say 'Don't let your children watch TV. It's all poison' because I think that we disable our children when we just tell them to say no to something and don't teach them how to make the decision to say no of their own accord and conviction. They finish this section with a chapter on prayer in the family and emphasize "Prayer is a natural part of the Christian life and so we want it to be a natural part of family life" (p. 74). We need to teach our children to pray with priorities straight out of the gospel and "pray with your children for their immediate concerns, but also pray for their relationship with God and their service of Him" (p. 75).
The book finishes out with a few chapters on being a family that is mission-centred. This doesn't just mean teaching the kids about giving some of their money to help people bringing the gospel to the unreached on the other side of the world. It's also about bringing people into your family in your everyday life. "It's an indulgent myth that family time must be exclusive...Think of hospitality not as a performance art, but including people in family life" (p. 83). "A family that's turned inwards is not a gospel-centred family. The gospel is good news. It's a message we share with others, beginning with our neighbours and extending to the ends of the earth (Acts 1:8)" (p. 89). The very last gem that these authors offer us is a list of ten things that we can do to serve with our children. I aim to implement some of them right away and save others for when the boys are older and we can serve in that way together!!
On a non-theological note, I was completely endeared to this book when I started reading it and realized that the authors are British because I got to read about "the bloke a few doors down" and watching "adverts". I adore a good British turn-of-phrase.
Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me - Psalm 51:5
You shall love your neighbour as yourself - Mark 12:31
He will render to each one according to his works - Romans 2:6
God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble. Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. - James 4:6-8
