My intent with 'Theology Mommy' was to have both theology and parenting content. I am forever saying "I read in this parenting book..." but can never remember concretely which book it was. I've read a lot of Christian parenting books as I believe that next to my relationship with God and my commitment to my marriage and making that stronger, my responsibility to raise children who know that they serve a God who loves them and how they can reflect that back to Him and to the world should be a massive part of my daily life. I realized the other day that I have been very heavy on the theology side of things and much lighter than I originally intended on the parenting. I have some parenting books in my bedside table stack and one of them is the follow-up to this book. I first read Shepherding a Child's Heart about two years ago but thought it definitely deserves some attention here so that there would be sufficient background when I write about it's successor. I'm hoping to find some time in 2012 to write about some of the other books that have impacted my parenting. Rarely a day goes by when I don't think of something from one of the three or four books that fall into this category. But I will get to those, Lord willing, in due time.
What is great, and tough, about the tools this book gives parents is it teaches us to get to the root of our children's actions rather than just dealing with the same 'issue' over and over again. "Parents tend to focus on the externals of behavior rather than the internal overflow of the heart... To the degree and extent to which our focus is on behavior, we miss the heart. When we miss the heart, we miss the subtle idols of the heart" (p. xi). But be warned, parenting this way requires a lot of thinking and examining (of ourselves and our children) and a tonne of time in the actual discipline process. But I believe that, when done consistently and properly, it's completely worth it. We must be a loving authority in our children's lives - "The purpose for your authority in the lives of your children is not to hold them under your power, but to empower them to be self-controlled people living freely under the authority of God" (p. xx). We are to be their earthly shepherd - "It involves investing your life in your child in open and honest communication that unfolds meaning and purpose of life" (p. xxi). And the central focus of our parenting must be the gospel - "The gospel enables you and your children to face the worst in yourselves - your sin, your baldness, and your weakness - and still find hope, because grace is powerful" (p. xxii).
The first thing Mr. Tripp ask us to think about is how "the behavior a person exhibits is an expression of the overflow of the heart" (p. 3). This being said, we must then become concerned with the attitudes of our hearts that lead to any given behavior. "You must help your child ask the questions that will expose that attitude of the heart that has resulted in wrong behavior...Your concern is to unmask your child's sin, helping him understand how it reflects a heart that has strayed. That leads to the cross of Christ. It underscores the need for a Savior. It provides opportunities to show the glories of God who sent his Son to change hearts and free people enslaved to sin" (p. 5-6). When I originally read this book, I noted in the margin 'my deepest desire for my boys'. Now I feel like I should add 'and myself' because ultimately we all, as Christians, have at the root our actions the desire to make the cross the focus of all we do and bring glory to God thereby. The author then discusses the shaping influences in children's lives and says "The person your child becomes is a product of two things. The first is his life experience. The second is how he interacts with that experience" (p. 10). Areas such as structure of the family, family values, family roles, family conflict resolution, family response to failure and family history all play major roles in this experience. "Children are never passive receivers of shaping. Rather, they are active responders " (p. 16). Once we understand this, we can say that it is the child's Godward orientation that forms the outcomes of his or her shaping influences. "The young child may not be conscious of his religious commitment, but he is never neutral. Made in the image of God, he is designed with a worship orientation. Even as a young child, he is either worshipping and serving God or idols" (p. 20). Pretty serious statement. This leaves our task as directing them toward their source of worship. "You need to engage your children as creatures made in the image of God. They can find fulfillment and happiness only as they know and serve the living God" (p. 22).
An extremely key chapter for me in this book was "You're in Charge". I cringe whenever I hear a parent utter 'Well, my kid(s) won't let me....". It made me cringe before I ever read this book and even more so now. "If you are unsure about the nature and extent of your authority, your children will suffer greatly. They will never know what to expect from you because the ground rules will be constantly changing. They will never learn the absolutes and principles of God's Word that alone teach wisdom" (p. 27). For years I had heard people talk about consistency in parenting being key but I never quite understood why. Those two sentences cleared it up for me. Once we become parents we are called to be in charge and we are called to obedience. God has called us to have authority in our children's lives and "[we] may not try to shape the lives of our children as it pleases [us], but as pleases him" (p. 28). Understanding our task here should help us think more clearly and realize "[i]t is God who is not obeyed when you are disobeyed. It is God who is not being honored when you are not honored. The issue is not an interpersonal contest, it is rather your insistence that your child obey God, because obeying God is good and right" (p. 29). Because of our call to obedience, "[u]nderstanding that you are God's agent as a parent deals not only with the right to act - it also provides the mandate to act. You have no choice. You must engage your children. You are acting in obedience to God. It is your duty" (p. 30). In defining parenting, Mr. Tripp explains that the reduction of our current culture to parenting as simply providing care is weak and we as Christians "[w]hether waking, walking, talking or resting...must be involved in helping [our] child to understand life, himself, and his needs from a biblical perspective" (p. 32). We must provide direction for our children but also be humble and willing to apologize and seek forgiveness if we have acted sinfully or angrily toward our children. One point that struck me as so important is when we discipline in anger the child learns the fear of man and not the fear of God. "Any change in behavior that is produced by such anger is not going to move your children toward God. It moves them away from God. It moves them in the direction of idolatry of fearing man...Correction is not displaying your anger at their offenses; it is rather reminding them that their sinful behavior offends God...you can teach your child to receive correction from you because it is the means God has appointed. The child learns to receive correction, not because parents are always right, but because God says the rod of correction imparts wisdom, and whoever heeds correction shows prudence" (p. 35). We need to hold fast to the promises in Scripture that join discipline and love (Prov. 3:12, 13:24, Rev. 3:19). This great chapter ends with the following: "Your correction must be tied to the principles and absolutes of the Word of God. The issues of discipline are issues of character development and honoring God. It is God's non-negotiable standard that fuels correction and discipline" (p. 37).
In the next chapters, the author discusses our goals in parenting and what they should be versus what the world tells us they should be. "Having well behaved children is not a worthy goal. It is a great secondary benefit of biblical childrearing, but an unworthy goal in itself...When being well-mannered is severed from biblical roots in servanthood, manners become a classy tool of manipulation. Your children learn how to work others in a subtle but profoundly self-serving way" (p. 43-44). With our understanding that the chief end of man is to glorify God at to enjoy him forever, "you must equip your children to function in a culture that has abandoned the knowledge of God" (p. 45). We must give our children a biblical worldview, providing them with with knowledge that a life truly lived is one that is looking toward the day that he or she will stand before God and serving Him in the meantime. "What your children need is spiritual nurture. They need to be taught the ways of God. They need to be instructed in the character of God so that they can learn a proper fear of God. They need to understand that all of life rushes toward the day when we shall stand before God and give account. They need to understand subtleties of the malignancy of their own hearts. They need to know the dangers of trusting in themselves. They need the answers to the great problems of life...Tenderly encourage them to trust God. They need to trust him not only for salvation, but for daily living" (p. 52). But why is it so important to use biblical methods in our parenting and nurturing? If the current secular parenting books and methods are seeming to yield happy, well-adjusted children why can't we employ those? "Superficial parenting that never addresses the heart biblically produces superficial children who do not understand what makes them tick. They must be trained to understand and interpret their behavior in terms of heart motivation. If they never have that training, they will drift through life, never understanding the internal struggles that lie beneath their most consistent behavior" (p. 66). This opens up the door for us to take our children to the foot of the cross and present to them the gospel every day. "God does open-heart surgery, not a face-lift. He produces change from the inside out" (p. 67). In today's culture of parenting "[c]haracter is ignored. The emphasis is on getting homework done. Children are not being trained to make ethical choices as responsible people living in reverence for God. They are learning how to jump through your hoops and avoid your displeasure...There is another devastating effect of this approach to discipline. It produces distance between parent and child. Children soon see through the implicit and explicit manipulation. They eventually come to resent the crass attempts to control their behavior. They learn to play the cat-and-mouse game with you, but depth of relationship and communication is lost...they become more resistant to the manipulation and perhaps even openly rebellious" (p. 68). I'm a 'prepare for the worst' kind of gal and I'm constantly thinking about how what I'm doing now will affect my children 5, 10, 20 years down the road so I definitely want to do my best to not get to that place of blatant rebellion rather than having to start at square one when it does rear it's ugly head.
Mr. Tripp believes "[a] biblical approach to children involves two elements that you weave together. One element is rich, full communication. The other is the rod" (p. 71). Starting with communication, he asks us first to understand that it is not a monologue but a dialogue. "The finest art of communication is not learning how to express your thoughts. It is learning how to draw out the thoughts of another. Your objective in communication must be to understand your child, not simply to have your child understand you (italics mine)" (p. 73). I adore this concept and it changed everything for me when I approached my kids in a posture of discipline. "Your first objective correction must not be to tell your children how you feel about what they have done or said. You must try to understand what is going on inside them" (p. 73). Please let me tell you that trying to do this with a four-year old boy must be akin to some form of Chinese water torture. But I endured countless minutes (or hours) of humming and hawing on his part and he figured out how to express to me what was going on in his heart or, at the very least, in his mind when he was acting a particular way. His future wife can thank me later. "Your question in correction is this: What is the specific content of the abundance of the heart in this circumstance? What was the temptation? What was his response to that temptation? What was he trying to accomplish?...What you must do is peel away the behavior and discern the inner world of your child's motivation in this situation. While you can never understand the issues of the heart flawlessly, it is a pursuit worthy of effort" (p. 74). Just so you know, when I first read the book I just wrote 'Huh? How?' in the margin beside this quote. Now as I've worked at it I get it a little better but it still requires a lot of effort and patience. But to give you some hope - "As you learn their internal struggles with sin, you have an inside track. You, like them, are a sinner. You can use your insight into the nature of temptation to help them understand their own battles. You can also encourage your children that the unending grace and mercy that you have found in Jesus Christ is offered to them as well. In him there is righteousness that we cannot produce, forgiveness that we cannot merit, and power that we cannot generate. There is hope for needy people in this one who became flesh and dwelt with us" (p. 77). Mr. Tripp feels that it is imperative to choose the appropriate type of communication depending on the situation.
1) Encouragement - when we need to give our child hope and courage. It is important to ensure that this hope and inspiration comes from God.
2) Correction - "gives your children insight into what is wrong and what may be done to correct the problem" (p 82).
3) Rebuke - "sometimes a child must experience your sense of alarm, shock and dismay at what he has done or said" (p. 83).
4) Entreaty - for cases of great import. It is not begging but earnest pleading that child act "in wisdom and faith" (p 83).
5) Instruction
6) Warning - fill their heads with the cautions of the Bible
7) Teaching - "often most powerfully done after a failure or problem" (p. 87).
8) Prayer - "understanding what they pray and how they pray is often a window into their souls...the parent's prayer provides instruction and insight for the child" (p. 87).
That's the list in a nutshell but when you read the book you will get much more information about how to use each form of communication.
In the final section on communication, Mr. Tripp explains how communicating with your children must become a way of life and how "[y]ou will never have the hearts of your children if you talk with them only when something has gone wrong" (p. 90). There are so many treasures in this section of the book and tips that you can remind yourself of every morning (because I need those fresh mercies every morning) as you go to start the day with your children. "'Shepherding the heart'...means helping them understand themselves, God's works, the ways of God, how sin works in the human heart, and how the gospel come to them at the most profound levels of human need" (p. 90). There is a cost to the parents in making a commitment to communicate with your children on this level. "You must become a good listener. You will miss precious opportunities when you only half-listen to your children. The best way you can train your children to be active listeners by actively listening to them "(p. 90). "Admit when you are wrong. Be prepared to seek forgiveness for sinning against your children. The right to make searching and honest appraisal of your children lies in the willingness to do the same for yourself" (p. 91). "Children trust you when they know you love them and are committed to their good, when they know you understand them, when they know you understand their strengths and weaknesses, when they know that you have invested yourself in [the types of communication listed above]. When a child knows that all his life you have sought to see the world through his eyes, he will trust you. When he knows that you have not tried to make him like you or like anybody else, but only sought to help him realize his full potential as a creature of God made to know him and live in the relationship of fellowship with him, he will trust you" (p. 94). "Parenting is your primary calling. Parenting will mean that you can't do all the things that you could otherwise do. It will affect your golf handicap. It may mean that your home does not look like a picture from Better Homes and Gardens. It will impact your career and ascent on the corporate ladder. It will alter the kind of friendships you will be able to pursue. It will modify the amount of time you have for bowling, hunting, television, or how many books you read. It will mean that you can't develop every interest that comes along. The costs are high" (p. 97). I kind of felt put in my place when I read that, but in a good way, a way I needed to hear.
And now...the rod. Did you hear the low, slow bass drum beats? Totally kidding. As someone who never doubted that she would spank her children, this was a wonderful, informative chapter that reminded me how to approach this extremely important aspect of disciplining my boys. I'm so leery to try and summarize this part of the book because all the points Mr. Tripp makes to arrive at his conclusions are so important. So please, just read the parts that were the most meaningful to me and then read the chapter in it's entirety for yourself. "The young child who is refusing to be under authority is in a place of grave danger...Your task is to rescue your children from death. Faithful and timely use of the rod is the means of rescue" (p. 103). "The rod of correction brings wisdom to the child. It provides an immediate tactile demonstration of the foolishness of rebellion. Properly administered discipline humbles the heart of a child, making him subject to parental instruction" (p. 104). His definition of the rod is a good one: "The rod is a parent, in faith toward God and faithfulness toward his or her children, undertaking the responsibility of careful, timely, measured, and controlled use of physical punishment to underscore the importance of obeying God, thus rescuing the child from continuing in his foolishness until death" (p. 104). He is very careful to point out that we never discipline our children for childishness (like spilling some milk) or when we are angry. "The rod is a responsibility. It is not the parent determining to punish. It is the parent determining to obey...He is not on his own errand, but fulfilling God's...The rod is never a venting of parental anger. It is not what the parent does when he is frustrated. It is not a response to feeling that the child has made things hard for him...The parent knows the proper measure of severity for this particular child at this particular time. The child knows how many swats are to come" (p. 106). The author then spends some time discussing distortions of use of the rod and also objections to the rod. These are great things to be aware of, especially if you may wind up in a discussion with another parent regarding your personal decision to use the rod as part of raising your children. "The rod returns the child to the place of blessing. Left to himself, he would continue to live a lust-driven life. He would continue to seek comfort in being a slave to his desires and fears. The rod of correction returns him to the place of submission to parents in which God has promised blessing...The parent who is engaging his child and refusing to ignore things that challenge the integrity of their relationship will experience intimacy with his child" (p. 112-113).
The final method Mr. Tripp employs is an appeal to the conscience of the child. "Your correction and discipline must find their mark in the conscience of your son or daughter. God has given children a reasoning capacity that distinguishes issues of right and wrong...Your most powerful appeals will be those that smite the conscience. When the offended conscience is aroused, correction and discipline can find their mark" (p. 116). We must correct and discipline our children with a focus on redemption. "The central focus of childrearing is to bring children to a sober assessment of themselves as sinners...The focal point of your discipline and correction must be your children seeing their utter inability to do the things that God requires unless they know the help and strength of God" (p. 120).
The latter third of "Shepherding a Child's Heart" is how to guide and discipline and love your children through all stages of childhood, from infancy to teenagers. This part of the book ensures that it will never gather dust on my bookshelf or get buried under a stack of papers on the office desk. This book will always be a valuable resource in my parenting journey and I'm sure I will refer to it hundreds of times in the years to come before my boys leave home. And then I'll pull it out again to help them when they have kids of their own!!
Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life - Proverbs 4:23
The wicked are estranged from the womb; they go astray from birth, speaking lies - Psalm 58:3
A fool despises his father's instruction, but whoever heeds reproof is prudent - Proverbs 15:5
The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother - Proverbs 29:15
The purpose in a man's heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out - Proverbs 20:5
Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you strike him with a rod, he will not die. If you strike him with the rod, you will save his soul from Sheol. My son, if your heart is wise, my heart too will be glad - Proverbs 23:13-15
Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him - Proverbs 22:15
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