At the start, the author explains "faith is central in bringing up boys, but it is important to remember that the object of faith is not the boy. It is faith in God, faith in His promises, faith in His wisdom. Faith concerns the boy, and the boy can see that it concerns him. Parents are to believe God for their sons, which is a very different thing than believing their sons" (p. 11). There is a major focus on Proverbs throughout the book as the guiding instruction for how boys should be and what we, as parents, should expect of their behaviour. Also, Jesus is to be the "ultimate pattern for friendship, for courage, for faithfulness, and integrity" (p. 12). As He should be!
The chapters at the beginning of the book deal with masculinity and what that means from a Biblical perspective. Wilson says that the roles involved in Biblical masculinity are:
- lords: boys should be in training to become men who exercise dominion and they should learn to be adventurous and visionary (p. 15)
- husbandmen: once the boys have fulfilled their job as lords and have conquered, they should settle down. To do this well they need to learn to be patient, careful and hard-working (p. 15)
- saviors: boys need to learn to be strong, sacrificial, courageous and good. "Men who follow Jesus Christ, the dragon-slayer, must themselves become lesser dragon-slayers" (p. 16)
- sage: boys must learn wisdom through studying, learning and intellectual discussion. They are to be teachable, studious and thoughtful (p. 16-17)
- glory-bearers: boys must learn to be representative, responsible and holy as they grow into men who are the glory of God (1 Cor. 11:7) (p. 17-18)
In a discussion about finding a healthy balance for boys that is somewhere between effeminacy and macho-man he says that we must do exactly what God requires of us with our boys and that can only come from knowing the Word ourselves.
In a call for fathers, Wilson says that our boys are threatened from two directions, their inner sin and a culture that is hostile toward Biblical masculinity and is trying to exterminate it (p. 27). One of the ways we are to counteract this is through discipline. "Refusal to discipline amounts to hatred and is simply a slow, cruel way for a man to disown his son, clearly marking him out as illegitimate" (p. 28). I found this a bit of a harsh statement but when put into the context of the importance of disciplining boys in a way that lays a foundation of respect I could understand a bit better what the author was trying to say. "The point of discipline is to gain an audience, and there is no sense in gaining an audience if you then do not say anything. Fathers are to teach, and they are to teach receptive sons...A godly home should contain discipline, not retribution" (p. 29). His point here is that future men are future husbands and "knowledge of what a godly husband is should surround him from the time he is a small boy...love [is] the central duty of husbands...a good husband knows how to give love and he knows how to receive respect [from his wife]. Jut as he ought to love his wife, so he needs to love his wife" (p 32).
Mr. Wilson believes, and I would agree, that there is no age that is too early to begin teaching our boys proper doctrine. One of the most important doctrinal concepts is the sovereignty of God. "The Bible teaches that God controls everything, and nothing builds a young man's spine more thoroughly than this doctrine" (p. 47). "Our boys need to learn humility, and they also need to learn boldness and courage. The only way to accomplish this in balance is through a grasp of who God is" (p. 49). The other piece of doctrine the author focuses on is what he calls 'optimism' or a Godward meekness. "The virtue or grace spoken of is a spiritual meekness, humility, and lowliness...Our Lord himself is our example. He is gentle. But such meekness or gentleness is not inconsistent with strength...meekness means we must have a teachable spirit...we must be ready to submit to the providential will of God as revealed in events, and we must be ready to submit to the revealed will of God as displayed in His Word" (p. 49-50). I know that I would love my boys to be people who lived this way and I would be very excited to give them to their wives knowing that they will run their homes based on these doctrines.
In a short chapter called 'Secret Sin, Tolerated Sin', we are told "Godly parents do not have the luxury of wanting to "not know" about sin their sons may have drifted into...one of their regular prayers should be that god would give them any information they need to know in order to be good parents...Boys should grow up knowing that sin cannot ever be truly covered up" (p. 53). Using Scriptures like Num. 32:23, Heb. 4:13, Luke 12:1-3 the author shows that sin may temporarily be secret but God will ensure that it is publicized at some point. He believes that we tolerate open sins in most homes in the form of verbal sin. We often speak unkindly, hastily, spitefully or rudely to those with whom we live in close quarters and it is brushed off as someone just having a bad moment but this should not be allowed.
The next portion of the book deals with specific areas of our boys' lives and how we are to direct them in each area. In speaking on 'Laziness and Hard Labor' Wilson pulls many points from Proverbs (6:6-11, 10:26, 13:4) to show that boys need to be taught how to do hard physical work. "Work is a public activity and should be publicly evaluated. A boy steeped in laziness will be evaluated roughly, and should be" (p. 61). He says that laziness left alone will lead to disgrace and deceit. In order for boys to not fall into a pattern of laziness they must be taught how to properly prepare to work as well. "Laziness is not rest; it does not prepare for work. It only prepares for more laziness" (p. 64). A chapter entitled 'Money Paths and Traps' teaches the reader that we show our boys the importance of honouring God with every cent they have, from saving to spending. Integrity with their money should be the focus. In order to instruct our boys in how to be honest with money we should have work for them in the home that is considered chores but then things that they get paid to do (p. 72). This gives us as parents a chance to ensure "he grows up to be a worshipper with his money first and a consumer last" (p. 72).
In a great chapter about Christian liberty, Mr. Wilson explains how we much have a strong understanding of what this means because "teenaged boys like liberty because they like something to swing around on the end of a rope" (p. 75). He explains that "liberty in Christ means freedom from guilt, God's judgment, and the condemnation of moral law" (p. 76) and is not something that we can use to reinstate practices that were at one time rejected. "The point is not to drink or smoke or dance according to our own whims, in the light of our own wisdom, but to do whatever we do before the Lord, with the increase of joy and holiness obvious to all. Our guide on how this is to be done is the Bible, and not our pet evangelical traditions" (p. 77). Parents are given to sons in order to guide them in making judgment calls and learning to be slaves to nothing or no one other than God.
One of my favourite parts of Future Men was in a chapter entitled 'Giants, Dragons, and Books'. The author believes that exposing our boys to Middle Earth and Narnia and such allows them to see the Bible as the fantastic book that it truly is with many great stories and adventures. "[I]f our sons are to be prepared for the world God made, then their imaginations must be fed and nourished with tales about the Red Cross Knight, Jim in the apple barrel, Sam Gamgee carrying Frodo up the mountain, Beowulf tearing off Grendel's arm, and Trumpkin fighting for Aslan while still not believing in him. This type of story is not allowed by Scripture; this type of story is required by Scripture. The Bible cannot be read rightly without creating a deep impulse to tell stories which carry the scriptural truth about the kind of war we are in down through the ages" (p. 102).
I also appreciated a chapter on friends and friendship and how to watch for signs of healthy or unhealthy relationships. "In order for the friendship to be healthy, the focal point of the friendship, the point of common interest, needs to be healthy as well" (p. 119). He says that not all friends need to be Christians but the standard situation and majority should be. We should not want friends for our boys who seem emotionally needy or manipulative or who are flatterers but rather good friends will be encouraging, will push and challenge and will show our sons the kind of friend that they themselves strive to be. "Training a son in his friendships is another important way to prepare him for marriage. He will learn the meaning of true companionship" (p. 122). Finally the author makes no bones about the fact that "if an existing friendship proves spiritually harmful, parents should be willing to bring a friendship to an end" (p. 124).
In discussing fighting, sports and competition, Mr. Wilson says "every aspect of manhood should start in boyhood. This means that boys should learn when, where, and how to fight" (p. 125). Scripture will guide us in any of these situations. "There can be no mistake about the personal demeanor required of Christians. If someone is an enemy, then we must love them. If someone curses us, then we must bless them. If someone hates us, then we must do good to them. If someone spitefully uses us and persecutes us, we must pray for them. These are the things which a soldier can do toward the enemy he fights, and a policeman can do to the criminal he restrains. A boy needs to learn how to make the distinction" (p. 129). I liked what the author said regarding allowing boys to play at war because we are often training them to do what men may be called to do. "This means that a boy who is is playing with a toy gun should be trained to never use it more freely simply because it is not real. A small boy who is playing war with his brothers should be pointing and blasting away with the best of them. But if a lady from church comes over to visit the young boy's mother, and is standing in the foyer, and the boy comes up and tries to blow her away, the young warrior's mother should haul him off to the bedroom to be tried for war crimes. The visitor was a civilian and noncombatant, and Mother should be schooled in the principles of just war theory, and she should enforce the rules" (p. 131). This made me smile but it was also helpful for me to have some guidelines for this kind of play as previous to reading this book I didn't know how I should feel or what my standards should be in this area.
Two chapters on 'Girls and Sex' and 'Courtship and Betrothal' were well written and I underlined a lot in them that I have no doubt I will return to when we get to that stage of life with our boys. For now, I can take the author's suggestions and continue in prayer for the purity of my sons and for their future wives.
The final major heading of the book is 'Contempt for Cool'. I was sorry that this was the final section I read as it was one of the only portions of the book where I found myself disagreeing with the author a lot. In discussing the commercialization of our culture and how we should not allow our children to wear anything with logos or brand names displayed he asks the reader to imagine Jonathan Edwards wearing a Hard Rock Cafe t-shirt. Well this just seemed like a ridiculous notion to me because that was not an option for Jonathan Edwards and when one sees pictures of Edwards he is wearing the clothing of the era in which he lives. Who is to say that if he did live in this day and age he would not dress like all the other men his age (or like the other teenagers when he was one)? Does the author think that Edwards would wear his Puritan collars and powdered wig if he lived in 2012? I am in agreement with the concept that our clothing is part of how we honour and glorify God but we don't want to push it right into the middle of the ring of legalism. "Everything we do, all day long, is aiding or hindering us in our maturity in Christ. Nothing is neutral" (p. 159). For sure. But putting such hard lines on the issue of appearance (Mr. Wilson says that if a teenage boy dies his hair purple he must confess that he is in direct rebellion against God (p. 161)) can set our children up to be people who judge harshly on first physical impressions of people rather than seeing all people around them as someone who may be a believer in Christ, either now or in the future. Sorry, this is more personal opinion than I usually offer up but the author spent an entire chapter saying that everything in this generation, from music to clothing to movies is of no value and full of folly. In the sovereignty of God, this generation will have and has reflections of Him and I believe we need to steer our children to see those and know how to find them and bring God glory through those things. To write is all off is truly throwing the baby out with the bathwater.
So this was definitely not one of my favourite parenting books but it had some high points. If you have time, give it a read and maybe you will find some things that will be helpful to you in your journey with the boys in your life.
For a man ought not to cover his head, since he is the image and glory of God - 1 Corinthians 11:7
A wise son makes a glad father, but a foolish son is a sorrow to his mother - Proverbs 10:1
My inmost being will exult when your lips speak what is right. Let not your heart envy sinners but continue in the fear of the LORD all the day - Proverbs 23:15-16
For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another - Galatians 5:13
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things - Philippians 4:8
Even a child makes himself known by his acts, by whether his conduct is pure and upright - Proverbs 20:11
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